i don’t know what is really going on with me, i guess, i have been thinking too much and over analyzing things. i have never.. been quite like this before., felt like this. it’s a new emotion and feeling, but then again, it’s not at all. i have felt something like this, but not as strong. i am fearful, but.. of what? a lot of things i suppose. all this talk about the future, i thought.. it didn’t scare me, but it does. i don’t take back what i said. i meant it, and i still want it all. you scare me sometimes.. and i scare myself. things get complicated when people walk in and out of our lives. someone new, walked into yours. that scares me, you may not be like the others, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have a right to be fearful, i hold it back a lot and act like i am fine, and i am not bothered, but i am. you know, some people tell me that you are going to realize that i am no good for you, and find someone completely better than me. i try not to listen, i really do. but, sometimes.. i start to wonder about the “what ifs”. i have a lot of insecurities, just like everyone else, and i play it off like i don’t. i don’t like to be seen as weak, or taken pity on. i like to think i am strong, and confident. i don’t.. have a lot, and i never really have. i know i can be a lot of things, if i push myself to do it, and i am getting to that point. i have made a lot of efforts, and i feel i have tried very hard over the past two months. i am trying to make something out of my life, i am trying to go to school and make my mom, and family proud of me. i don’t really know where all this is going, my thoughts are scattered all over the place and probably aren’t making any sense, but.. that’s okay, because it makes sense to me. i had a dream again.. it felt so real, dejavu. i am a jealous person, very. possessive, even. but, only in my head, i would never act on anything, or say anything. i feel like i have no control over anyhting, and i hate that. sometimes, i wish i could only see you, and you could only see me. that doesn’t make sense. i’ve been quiet, and starring into the depths of nothing, my mind sometimes is blank and i don’t know what to think. i want to think about you and i, and how happy we are. but, i can’t do that.. because the bad overcomes the good. that is something i will never figure out, how the bad overcomes the good.. how can that be possible? you have always told me to be positive.. and i have been, and somehow whenever i am positive, something goes wrong, and i ask myself why, why do bad things happen to good people? and then i ask, am i a good person? you told me you wanted to be like poppy, from happy go lucky, and i always thought thait wasn’t realistic. but, now.. i understand why you would want to be like that, and have a positive outlook on everything even when it’s bad. but, in the end.. you still get hurt or let down, and those feelings and emotions are still there, it’s in your core, you can’t help that. you can put on a fake smile, and talk yourself up, but deep down.. you will still feel just as bad.

don’t ever think for a second i don’t love you, right now.. i just need to clear my head of all the bad things, and possiblities, my nightmares, and most of all my fears.

i’m still.. not going anywhere, not without you, anyways.